Sunday, June 28, 2009

Yes, I was out until 4 AM

"Hi, I'm Kaya Oakes," I proffered, my hand shooting into my plastic handbag. "I wrote...not this," for I was about to show the bouncer The Serpent and the Rainbow: A Harvard Scientist's Astonishing Journey Into the Secret Societies of Hatian Voodoo, Zombis, and Magic, "this book on the development and permeation of Indie Culture from its roots in Portland to the rest of the nation."

The bouncer, a soft butch with parallel piercings in her nose and lip, didn't look at my hand, which now held a copy of Slanted and Enchanted: The Evolution of Indie Culture. "Yes, and while I respect that, it's Pride weekend and no one without proof of age can come inside this bar."

"That's too bad," said Kim, "We're doing marketing research."

"Thank you for your time," I told the woman.

We walked away, towards the west. "See? I'm not drunk," I told them.

"That was a woman?" Kim said, turning it lightly with her tongue into a question.

"That was a woman," Keenen clarified.

We now had a vast array of potential facebook album titles, the sources for which had emerged earlier in the evening, when we were at our third dining establishment. "Mush," Kim said, as she mashed the remains of her flourless chocolate torte into the blue clay dish. Soon after that was "My butt is actually a sphere,"--which referred to Keenen's potential list of excuses should he end up crashing that night with a gay man from a bar-- and now there was, "Hi, I'm Kaya Oakes."

They strode through St. Mark's square, leaving me to jog after them. Damn them skinny people. They get everything, and I get a muffin top.

"Fuckin' puddles," said a trashed guy behind us, "They don't have puddles in Jersey."

"They don't have SHIT in Jersey," said his friend, "FUCK Jersey."

"Hey, do you know how to get to the PATH trains," the first one asked me.

"The what?" Said Kim.

"The PATH trains," I repeated.


"Jersey," he said, "sucks. You're not from Jersey, are you?"

"No," I said.

"I know a lot of nice people from New Jersey," Kim told him.

He softened. "Yeah, we're just trying to get home."

I tried to tell him he needed to get to fourteenth street, but Kim was telling him to go to Port Authority and eventually Keenen took over and if they hadn't been so drunk I'm sure they would've been fine. As it was, we can only hope for the best.

"Good luck, Nate," said Kim.

"Shit," said the other, "How do you know his name?"

Kim began waving her arns, half indignant and half drunk. "Because you said it, guy-in-red-shirt!"

I think he's probably still confused about that. But they said bye, and Kim shouted "See ya, Nate," when we were about a hundred feet away and everything was fine.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


10 Things NOT to do when in Manhattan:

1) Walk in puddles. The sky doesn't rain as often as dogs do.

2) Stand shoulder-to-shoulder on the escalator. You will spend the three minute ride trying not to cause a domino effect as you stand on one foot to allow people to pass.

3) Leave an open box of protein bars in an open suitcase on the floor of your apartment. You will hear a *nom nom* right as you're dropping off to sleep. ROUS? I believe they exist.

4) Wait until you're in front of the turnstile before you look for your metrocard. If you do this, you will be faced with a homeless man begging your bemused coworker, who has already swiped through, to open the emergency gate and let him in. She'll look a little freaked out, but you'll keep rummaging through your purse until the homeless man somehow manages to open the gate and you sneak in behind him.

5) Accept wine from art galleries at 9:35 PM on a Thursday night. You will wake up late to work by half an hour.

6) Sneak into Otto's Shrunken Head, even though the sign on the door clearly forbids entry to those under twenty one. Get thrown out, and sneak in again half an hour later with a tambourine. Get thrown out again.

7) Get roped into setting up a conference call. You will be on the phone with sprint for twenty minutes trying to tell them it doesn't matter to you if callers are announced with a short dial tone or a long one.

8) Try to eat a dosa using just your hands.

9) Attempt to start a conversation with your coworker about how you tried to cut paper but "that know, the thing" *waves hands like spastic robot* it...well, you know..."

10) Write a list like this.